Friendships
Something that I have learned on my journey of personal growth is that one of the most rewarding practices one can have is that of self-awareness. I believe that by honing your awareness of your own feelings, needs, desires, and efforts, one can then notice the very same traits in others. One of the ways this is most obvious is in the area of friendships.
Since beginning finishing school in 2020, I have learned a host of lessons that I wish I had learned as a teenager. How to differentiate between someone who values and invests in you verses someone who is merely out for themselves, for example. These are not necessarily easy-to-swallow lessons, but they are very important and will save you both time and emotional weight going forward.
If the feeling is mutual, the effort will be mutual. This is the perfect place to begin, really. It can be painful to take a hard look at yourself and your friendships - so give yourself a little grace as you read on and evaluate.
Signs that you are valued in friendship:
Genuine acknowledgment of your efforts and strengths (a text, handwritten note, or an encouraging word in person)
Invitations to their home
Invitations out (dining, shopping, sightseeing, etc) and making appropriate reservations
Appropriate gifts (cards, flowers, coffee, a favorite meal)
Requests to be of service (“May I come early to help you prepare?”)
Respect for boundaries (physical, emotional, mental, spatial, etc)
Doesn’t feel the need to “show off” your friendship
Encouraging, uplifting conversation
Keeps what you share with them private, close.
Marked by a spirit of personal responsibility for the friendship and takes it seriously
These are all signs of respect, love, trust, affection, kindness, and thoughtfulness. These are the traits to cultivate in yourself and to praise in others - as Proverbs 18:24 says, “A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.” It’s important to show others, by your actions and your words, the kind of friend that you are. And remember, you attract what you are, not what you wish you were.
Signs that you are not valued in friendship:
Does not invite you to their home
Does not invite you out (and make reservations where applicable)
Does not acknowledge your sacrifices to be with them
Invites themselves over/continually asking to come “hang”
Asks for invitations
Disrespect for boundaries
Criticism, blame-shifting, name-dropping
Gossips (she who gossips to you will gossip about you)
Requests for more (time, attention, acknowledgment, effort)
Shows off the “friendship”
Disheartening, complaining conversation
Not generous
Pressure/manipulation (especially to boost their image/feelings)
Marked by a spirit of victimization in the friendship and their feelings are not seen as their personal responsibility (“you make me feel badly”).
Pay attention to how you feel when you are with others. Do you feel aloof, bored, drained, depleted, sad, uncomfortable, stressed? If you say “yes” to any of the above, you may be in the presence of someone who is merely out for themselves. If you find yourself thinking “well, if I don’t spend time with this person, I won’t have anyone!” - well, it’s time to say no to what drains you so you can say yes to what brings you life.
Next steps
If you find yourself grateful that those in your life are the first list, and you wonder how you can be a supportive friend, my best advice is to use this list as a guide. Invite them out, give them an appropriate gift, affirm them, look for ways to serve them. There is no scorecard in friendship, but you will absolutely notice when others reciprocate your sacrifice, time, and effort (remember, if the feeling is mutual, the effort will also be mutual). It will also become painfully obvious when those in your life devalue you and take advantage of your generosity.
If you find yourself recognizing relationships in your life that are pulling the life out of you, it may be time to step away from those individuals. Simply making yourself scarce can do the trick - “I am sorry, it is a really busy season for me right now” and leaving it at that when you receive requests from others like “when can I come over next!?!?” or “When can we hang out??” Remember, others who treat you in such a manner are not concerned about your well-being, and they will continue to drain you (and ridiculously, blame you all the while for “not doing enough” simultaneously) until you say “enough is enough”. It’s time to place more boundaries on your time, energy, effort, and generosity.
What if…
What if you do “all the right things” but someone else is simply not making time, not reciprocating, not accepting your invitations out? Remember, no one owes you anything. Not your family, not your friends, not the acquaintances you met at dinner, not the stranger on the street. If someone has a full life, a slow and intentional life, a busy life or simply isn’t interested in growing a friendship with you, that is totally okay. It’s beautiful to learn to let others live and to focus on growing yourself. You’re never owed anything, but isn’t that the beauty of friendship when you cultivate it? Imagine the gratitude you’ll feel when everyone in your friendship circle is obviously and sacrificially choosing to invest in your friendship!
I believe that we intentionally invest ourselves in that which deeply matters to us - know that this process isn’t fast, but its deeply impactful and meaningful.
xo,
Amy
